A Thankful Heart

I am so thankful for a loving family.
I am so thankful for being able to be forgiven.
I am so thankful for My Redeemer.

Challenge to become more grateful for all the blessings in my life all day long not just when the house is quite.

Check back to see if I can raise to the challenge and become more Christ-like.

A Long Time

It has been a long time since I have written. Not that I don't have alot to write about yet I needed to spend time away. I still checked in on other blogs. I just needed to figure out what my blog was for now. I started my blog to try to connect with other women who had lost a child and to help me with the grieving process. I was looking for friends who had similar experiences- I was hurting and needed comfort.

My husband and I should have been comforting each other yet we were just pushing away. I realized that I needed to look and focus on my family. Things were bad at home and needed to get fixed or changed. It has been almost 3 yrs and it is time to finally feel the pain. I held most of my pain in and just now understanding and accepting it.

Starting to heal healthier and happier. Learning to forgive better and completely and enjoy all of my family again.

I have the friends at home that I was looking for and found some new ones to help me with this forever process.

I thank my Heavenly Father for being patient and softening my heart.

Candle lighting

Today is National Children's Memorial Day. It is a worldwide candle lighting event. Starting in New Zealand, candles will be lit for one hour beginning at 7pm local time creating a 24-hour candle light observance around the globe. This simple act is to help those who have experienced the death of a child, grandchild, sibling, or a fried remember these children during a season when the death is the most difficult to bear. Hope you all will join me in remembering Walker and all his friends at 7pm your time.

October 15th

Remembering Walker on this day.
How I miss you so much!
www.october15.com

Spent the weekend at Camp Sol.
Enjoyed remebering your life with your sisters and brothers.
www.campsol.org

Amazing Story of Love

What an amazing video! I am so glad that they were willing to share what so many of us feel inside during that short time.

When I was watching their family during those intimate times, I wish that I could take my memories and put them in a video- the 2 days at the hospital, the 12 days at home, the family surrounding us always, the love and laughter shared with Walker, the feedings, the sleepless nights, the countless visitors, the amazing nurses, the fantastic hospice- Kathy, the child life specialist- Cinda, the oxygen, the funeral, the last moments, the good-byes, the pain in his face as his heart gave out.
I do have many pictures and a video that I am so very thankful for family and NILMDTS photograhper. I still wish I had more to hold and share. I would love to see the memories others have of that amazing time.

How I wish I had thought clearly to video tape much more. I don't regret anything do during that time yet sometimes I would like a do-over just to capture more pictures and videos. So I am grateful that others share what they have recorded; it helps me remember so much of Walker's life. Thank you Mary and Deidrea Laux for sharing.


http://www.dallasnews.com/s/dws/photography/2009/thomas2/

My Daily Reminders for the new school year

Slow To Anger

Proverbs 16:32
"He that is slow to anger is better than the mighty; and he that ruleth his spirit than he that taketh a city."

Be Happy People

Pslams 144:15
"Happy is that people, that is in such a case; yea, happy is that people, whose God is the Lord."

I need this constant reminder not just for the new school year that is about to start yet for my family. I am excited to begin each day with prayer to remember these scriptures.

What a journey these last 4 months! 3 funerals and 1 remembrance birthday. I am definitely looking for an emotional rest.

Happy Birthday 2 years

Walker,

Happy Birthday. We miss you and love you so much. Spent a wonderful day thinking and talking about you and your time with us on Earth. Looking forward to seeing you again one day.

Love,

Mommy, Daddy, Grace, Ava, Charlie, and Jackson

Amazed

I have come here many times wanting to write. Then I just read other blogs and was touched and comforted by their words.

As the days get closer to that 2 year mark, I miss Walker more this year than last year.

Maybe I just recognize the feelings and not numb anymore?
I don't know the answers just relying on FAITH to guide me through the next couple of weeks.
So tonight I need to write not just read.

Yesterday, I went to the funeral for a dear family friend. He leaves behind his eternal companion, Marjean, and his 18 yr old daughter. I realized how God works and knows each of our strengths and weaknesses. Gary had been battling cancer for 18mos. He had just watched his only beautiful daughter walk across the stage at her graduation. He celebrated his 18th Father's Day - the day they became a family. Hospice had just been set up. The next morning my mother was inspired to call and check on them and Gary had slipped into a coma. My mother rushed to her dear friend and daughter. Through Heavenly Father's blessings, the family was comforted. He was no longer in a body of pain. But I ache for a little girl that won't have her dad for monumental times in her life and for a wife that will have a complete empty nest after her daughter leaves for college and an empty bed.

Thankful for faithful people who listen to the spirit.

What a remarkable service it was; it reminded me of the life we should be living and Gary was living it. He was a wonderful example and he will be missed.

Every year for 4th of July since before Grace was born, our families have gone to the Plano 4th of July Parade together. This year he will be in spirit and looking down at us holding Walker's hand.

FAITH will get us through this life and into the next. My heart aches for Walker just my spirit knows he is waiting for us. I look forward to celebrating his birth on Thursday.

New Beautiful Jackson Pictures

Jackson Caerden Savage

Here is our newest family member. I just have a few pictures to include since most of the pictures from the hospital are from my mom's and sister's camera. I need to get them from them to add.

What a blessing to have Jack with us. We are grateful that he is healthy and beautiful. Our Heavenly Father has given us another beautiful spirit.

I am amazed to see the love that we have for him already. The girls and Charlie are always wanting to hold and kiss him. I had a hard time keeping them away from Jack this week while they were sick. It has been a long week. Glad that they are almost all healthy again.

I am blown away when I realize that I have 5 children. What a daunting task to raise Christian children in our society now. We definetly will need to rely on the Lord to guide us as we raise these beautiful children.

Even with this new beautiful baby, my heart is reminded that Walker is not with us. I have even called Jack "Walker". I know that they are 2 completely different spirits. I still miss Walker very much and maybe more since Jack was born. I know that my children miss Walker also. Grace stated that she is worried that we will forget about Walker now that we have Jack(another baby). Charlie was worried that if Jack had to go to the hospital for jaundice, the hospital would keep him forever.

I pray that I will be the mother that I need to be for all of my children.
I pray that I will always enjoy my children and they will know how much I love each of them.

Superbaby Savage is Here

Our new bundle of joy arrived on Sunday. Of course, he was scheduled to arrive today. It was a surprise to wake up yesterday and realize that we needed to get to the hospital fast. My water broke around 6:15ish and he arrived at 7:50 at the hospital including the 30 min-ish drive. It was amazingly fast and uncomplicated.

I am so thankful for all the prayers. I also give thanks for a healthy baby boy. It is amazing the love we feel for him since part of us never imagined go this road after Walker.

He is absolutely perfect. I will post pictures soon. He still does not have a name - almost decided.

Superbaby Savage
8 lbs 6oz
7:50am
February 1, 2009

Count Down Has Begun

Our newest arrival will be here soon. Peace has finally set in for me. I was reminded last night how I am anticipating his arrival. I am comforted to know that I have never been alone on this journey. I am looking forward to holding our new family member. It has taking me a while to get to this point. I think I was afraid of hurting if things did not turn out the way that I want. I know that it is not my will but His will that things happen.

We still are unsure about a name but I am comforted to know that all work out. Soon. Very soon. Due date was Feburary 14th - Valentine's Day. Now we are counting down to Feburary 2nd. My first 2 deliveries were very fast after water broke - called precipitous labor. We lived only about 15 minutes from the hospital. Then we moved about 30-45 minutes away from the hospital that my OB works with. So with #3 and #4 deliveries, we schedule inductions with just breaking water at the hospital. Then contractions begin and go from a 4 to 8 in less than 1 hour.

I have been very nervous about this delivery because I want to make it to the hospital. I also don't want my water to break while teaching 5th graders (a fear since pregnant with Grace). OB said last week that he could be here before the 2nd; we will have to wait and see(not easy for a control freak).

So I pray that I will have comfort and be paient. I also pray that all goes well with the delivery and we will be inspired with a name.

Maybe next post will be welcoming a new little one into the Savage Family.

What name?

The struggle is never ending. It seems so simple - look for names, find one you both like, and the name game is done. All of the previous times it was so simple.

Everything is different now.

It seems to be harder for me emotionally as arrival day gets closer. I know that for some it feels like healing. But for me it is an emotional roller coaster that I have never before experienced not even with Walker.

Faith is all I need again. I had it with Walker. I was at peace and had complete faith in Heavenly Father while pregnant with Walker.

I am nervous about this new little one and miss the one that is watching us from Heaven.

If we only could pick a name............

What shade of green are you?

I saw this on someone else's blog. Thought I would try it out. Very interesting results.

You Are Teal Green

You are a one of a kind, original person. There's no one even close to being like you. Expressive and creative, you have a knack for making the impossible possible. While you are a bit offbeat, you don't scare people away with your quirks. Your warm personality nicely counteracts and strange habits you may have.

What Color Green Are You?

Vote for Child's Christmas Tree

I just received this email from a friend. It really pulled at my heart and thought maybe all of you could vote. What an amazing child! Thanks for reading and voting.

From: Lisa

Hi – strange request but I could use your help for a friend. She is my best (and only) friend from high school (lori fogarty). She has a son that was born one week before Tori (yes, we were pregnant at the same time – how fun is that? – can't believe its been 8 ½ years). Any who, when Richard was born he was born with Poland 's syndrome and without one of his hands and is missing the pectoral muscle on the same side. Richard is the strongest, most amazing child and kids in his class when he was in kindergarten would tuck their arms into their sleeves with only their elbow hanging out so they could "be more like Richard" because he was "so cool".
Richard is now 8 ½ and Neiman Marcus solicited children for their ideas for the Christmas Trees in the downtown Dallas windows of Neiman's. Richards tree was chosen and he got the chance to work with the designers at Neimans to build his tree. His idea was to build a tree of all the gifts that Scottish Rite Hospital has given to children he has met over the years (wheelchairs, prosthetic limbs, crutches and the like). They were so impressed in working with him that Home and Garden Television (HGTV) recently did a story on the Neiman's trees and wanted to interview Richard for their story.
So now … Neimans chose 6 trees and they were unveiled last week in downtown Dallas . They have opened up voting to the public for our favorite tree and well … here I am shamelessly asking you to go and vote for Richard because I know how deeply winning this would be for him. He has struggled with so many things that other little boys unknowingly take for granted and I have watched he and his family struggle and grow stronger over the years. Just last month Richard was told by one of his teachers that if she were his mother she wouldn't have bought him tie shoes she would buy him Velcro shoes as she watched him struggle to tie his shoes on the playground. He came home in tears. He and Lori worked for literally years to learn to tie his shoes so he could wear tie shoes like his brothers and his friends. I can't imagine how I would have reacted … but not Lori … She just told him that "well, Richard, this is why god gave you to me – because he knew I wouldn't sell you short. You can wear tie shoes and tie them just like all the other boys – and I am raising you to be a man and a man you are already becoming."
I want him to win this one and I want his mom to have this win for him (and for her too). I want her to have the first place award so she can beat that crappy teacher up with it. I want it for Lori because of the challenges she has faced with the schools and our community. I have a hard time writing and talking about him because of how deeply I have experienced this struggle from the outside and how deeply I love my friend and cannot begin to imagine the strength she has had to muster for things I know I have unknowingly taken for granted as a mother.
Sorry for the diatribe but if you could help me by voting for Richards tree on the Neimans website (notice the prosthetic hands reaching to the sky he designed at the top ….:) … ) … I'll keep you posted on the results (please also forward the link to those who think may vote too – FYI you can vote once a day – bookmark it if you will) …
Below is a picture of his tree, of him (that lori sent me), and of the link to vote. http://www.neimanmarcus.com/store/service/poll.jhtml?pollCode=trees&icid=LocalStorePageTwo (vote the 4th tree on the page … the one that you see below) …

Prayers needed

I am not one to request much from others (a weakness and striving to overcome). I know that the Lord asks us to be humble. For me, that means we lean on each other for strength and help when times are rough (a struggle at times).

When I was pregnant for the first time, we were so excited. We told everyone. When we lost the baby, miscarried, we were thankful to have lots of prayers said in our behalf because we were not alone. When we got pregnant again, we thought that we might wait to share the news. We did not wait to tell family and friends. We figured the more people that knew the more people that could be praying for us.

Our Heavenly Fathers wants us to come to Him and others in time of need. So I am coming to Him and others for help for a friend. I have a friend that is need of prayers for strength and understanding. Their beautiful son, Harrison, and family has been through so much and now might be diagnosed with a rare disorder called Wiedemann-Rautenstrauch syndrome. Please pray that they may be comforted with the path God is leading them on at this time.

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day

October 15th
How it hurts to know that there is such a day .
Though, I am thankful for such a day.
-What a constant roller coaster of emotions (seems to have been intensified lately with pregnancy hormones)

I think about every moment we spent with Walker (almost like a movie playing 336 hours minus a few for sleep) before returning him Home. Oh how I miss him. I would love to hold him and just look at his eyes and sweet spirit one more time. Walker, we remember and miss you today and everyday.

I had 2 miscarriages prior to Grace and never really felt like I could or should mourn. I am thankful for today to remember all the little souls that did not make it to birth and the little souls that returned Home quickly.

I am glad I have found a group of outstanding, faithful women who struggle yet turn to God for strength. Thank you all for your prayers, strength and examples.

No more Specialists - NO MARKERS

Yesterday, we went to the specialist for part 2 of screening - an ultrasound and blood work. So the blood work will come later. The ultrasound had me feeling great about this baby. I have not really felt excited until yesterday. It went great!!!! No markers seen at all. Ever since I was pregnant with Ava, I have been familiar with soft markers to major markers terminology. So when we were looking at the ultrasound, I was very attentive to looking for markers. I felt an amazing amount of stress become lifted off of me. The doctor asked if we wanted to know the sex which of course we did. He asked what are we hoping for and honestly we said healthy. For the first time it was true - the sex did not matter.


Guess you might want to know? It is a BOY!

The children were so excited (my students were also) - I think they would have reacted the same way if it was a girl. They are just so excited and have been from the beginning.

I know that we have so much to be thankful for including the opportunity to have a sweet spirit like Walker bless our lives - even though his time on Earth was shorter than we would have planned.

I miss my son and know that I will always have a hole in my heart. I will continue to enjoy life even with the hole. I look to God to help me on this continuous journey.

Now the challenge of names - have not even looked because I was scared to become too attached even though that began at the very beginning. Our middle names are very challenging. Open for suggestions.

My overwhelming emotions

------------------------------Update----------------------------
We meet with the specialist and had a sequential screen done. It only tells us the risk of the baby having Down syndrome or trisomy 18. The blood work will be back on Friday. The ultrasound seemed very positive. The doctor said ultrasound measurement looked very normal. It seemed to go well. I am feeling a little less anxious- not 100%. Here are some new pics from the appt.

Hands

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I have so many times sat down to blog and then just became overwhelmed. Here is what is troubling me so much. I am torn with various emotions - but some are stronger than others - guilty and scared.I feel guilty because I was so excited when we found out about all of the other pregnancies; I am not yet excited. I am just scared and worried. If I could be guaranteed that baby would be 100% healthy, I would be excited to bring another life into the world. I know that I cannot be guaranteed anything in life and it is God's plan not mine. Yet I am still struggling with my emotions even after many prayers.

So we are going to a specialist on Monday. At 2pm we will meet with a genetic counselor and then at 3pm with the Dr for 1st trimester screen. I feel so anxious about going. I pray that we will be strong no matter the outcome.

I am trying to truly relay on the Lord right now as we journey again with our new baby.

Celebrated 1 long year

I finally decided to get up before the kids. Usually I wait until they wake up and come wake me up which is in 15 minutes. I wanted to blog in a quiet house so I better quit rambling.

We decided to celebrate Walker's birthday with releasing balloons. It was just us and the 3 kids. We had 14 baby blue balloons and a note tied to them. It was the most peaceful and surreal experience. I know that he was looking down on us and celebrating his day with us. The kids loved watching the balloons disappear into heaven (Charlie thought they would go there).

Since July 2nd to the 16th, I have replayed every day from last year in my mind. I think maybe I should have done things differently. I would have like to shown Walker off to the world. To say- hey here is a gift from God and how could you deny HIM now.

Happy birthday, my little guy in God's presence.

I, we, us miss you and are forever thankful for your footprint on our hearts.