Saturday, April 26, 2008

Again, I had to tell my children about death of a loved one. Last Friday, our beloved Lucy passed away. Lucy was a beautiful companion to me and then to my family. Yes, I am talking about my dog that has been with me for the last 14 years. I knew that day would come and thought it would be soon. Just did not really think it was going to be that day or any day. Another example of: we do not know when our lifetime is over on Earth - only God has the future plans.

So on telling my children about Lucy. Ava (4 1/2yrs) showed her saddness with tears and hug Brutus (our other dog). Grace (6yrs) instantly tried to change the subject and started laughing. Charlie(3 1/2 yrs) wanted to see the place where Lucy died. I worry that they are not able to deal with their feelings and worry that it will cause issues when they are older. Any suggestions? Maybe it is all okay with how they deal with death.

Now it has been a week with my children talking almost everyday about death and dying. It seems so natural for them and so uncomfortable for most of the adults. Why do I feel the need to explain things that my children say about death? It is very real for them. I am saddened that it is part of the rest of their life and how it was not part of the childhood I had planned for them. I know it is not my plan - it is Heavenly Father's plan. I know if we rely on Him we can overcome our tirals. Still, it hurts and will forever hurt.

Wednesday, April 16, 2008

Our Story

I realized that writing down our story will make it a reality. Yes, I have pictures of Walker; yes, I have verbally shared Walker's life (our story); yes, I have thought about Walker. Yet, sometimes it feels like an unhappy dream. So here is our story:
In October of last year, we were surprised to be expecting again. We had just celebrated Charlie's 2nd birthday. Neither had talked about having another - the girls are 19 mos apart and Ava & Charlie are 15 mos apart. We had started getting comfortable with the 3 - eventhough 4 had always been the number discussed before Grace was born. So we were excited about the new addition. At 21 wks, it was time for the ultrasound. During the ultrasound, I could tell that there was something that was a marker or something. (Ava had soft markers for Down Syndrome - perfectly healthy. Charlie had soft markers for something else- perfectly healthy). So at first, I was not concerned. I knew that we would be sent to a specialist and I would not have an amnio (had previously 2 miscarriages )- it was not going to impact our desission about carring our baby to term. As the tech began the ultrasound at the specialist, I knew this time was different. I got pretty good at reading the ultrasounds and watching the techs from my pregnancy with Ava. The doctor came in and talked with tech for a few minutes and looked at the ultrasound. He made the comment to the tech that he thought it was T13 or T18. He then talked with me what his findings were and what options we had. At that moment, I said a silent pray to know what to do next. I decided that I would go ahead with the amnio. I felt that our family needed to know exactly what was wrong with the baby to prepare that kids. I came home and looked up T13 and T18 and was devestated eventhough the doctor did not tell me this for sure. I felt this time it was different for the others. So I had my father give me a blessing (a prayer for a certain person) I was overcome with the feeling that everything would be okay. I knew that with my Heavenly Father, my family, and my faith we would be able to overcome this trial. Maybe not easily, yet able to do it. In March, when we got the results confirming T18 (trisomy 18), Chris and I sat down decided he needed a name and to prepare the kids. We struggled with different names until we used Chris' grandfather's middle name. It seemed to make perfect sense because Charlie is the first name of Chris' grandfather. So then we set out preparing our family and making all decisions prior to make it easier (hah). It seemed like forever until June. By this time I had been praying for 2 things -not to deliver on Ava's birthday (June 30th) and to be able to take Walker home. We chose July 2nd to be induced and was discharged with Walker on the 4th of July (amazing Hospice group that worked really hard for both to go home together). We had Walker with us at home for 12 wonderful and amazing days. It is exactly 9 months since Walker ended his earthly journey and started his heavenly journey. I miss him daily and long to hold him in my arms. I just want to hold him, feed him, change his diaper, watch his siblings love him, or anything again. I can picture the pain in his face that last day and the peace when his spirit left his non-perfect body to go to heaven to gain his perfect body.

That is part of our story; the other part is continuing daily since.
(Enough rambling for one night - work is fast approaching - ugh!)

Remember the past to strengthen the future - Walker and more are waiting for us.

Wednesday, April 9, 2008

Busy Parents

This Saturday I was trying to help Chris do some renovations on the deck and get ready to scrapbook(which I try to do every Saturday afternoon or evening). Aubrey, Avery, Jay, and Sue were over. Anyways, the children were enjoying the outside sun with the door opened(they sounded like they were having a great time - which they were). We were sitting inside getting ready to scrapbook and looked out to this:

Thank goodness for oxy- clean spray. They and their clothes finally got clean. It was not the most fun I have had on a Saturday - the kids had a great time. That is the most important thing sometimes. Hopefully it won't happen again while wearing white.

Tuesday, April 8, 2008

A Realization Moment

I finally realized why I have a fascination with reading blogs about families that have lost a child. It is easier to feel pain for others' loss than feel my own loss. I am very much afraid of feeling to much of my own pain. Maybe it is part of the grieving process; maybe it is that mothering instinct; maybe I am just weird. I do know I was going to continue writing, yet a Texas storm has decided to start. It is hailing and making me anxious. So I think I will tackle my feelings later and go watch the news to watch out for tornadoes. Oh, spring time in Texas is upon us.

Sunday, April 6, 2008

I've been tagged?

I have been tagged (or memed?). It is interesting how I am doing something I never do when my sweet nieces send me forward to do this. So here I am doing it on my blog page - okay I might do it once for my nieces as I don't want to be a hypocrite. Anyways enough trying to postone doing it.

The rules of the meme are:
  • Pick up the nearest book of 123 pages or more. No cheating!
  • Find page 123.
  • Read the first 5 sentences.
  • Post the next 3 sentences.
  • Tag 5 people.
I happened to collect Dr. Seuss and I received 2 books at Christmas. Of course with my schedule, I don't leave alot of time for reading entertainment books. So the only one that had more than 123 pages that I have been attempting to read is The Seuss, The Whole Seuss, and Nothing But The Seuss by Charles D. Cohen. So here it is:

They stand up swell when the engine's hot
and you give'er the gun for an extra knot.
She starts in a juffy, runs smooth as you please- Dr. Seuss (Essomarine advertisement 1935)

It is so cool that Seuss did so much more than just children's book. I am so easily entertained.

Now the hard part is find 5 people.

Tagged now is Kim, Sue, Shelly, Aubrey, and Kimberly!

Okay with the tagging.