Saturday, December 27, 2008
Everything is different now.
It seems to be harder for me emotionally as arrival day gets closer. I know that for some it feels like healing. But for me it is an emotional roller coaster that I have never before experienced not even with Walker.
Faith is all I need again. I had it with Walker. I was at peace and had complete faith in Heavenly Father while pregnant with Walker.
I am nervous about this new little one and miss the one that is watching us from Heaven.
If we only could pick a name............
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
You Are Teal Green
You are a one of a kind, original person. There's no one even close to being like you.
Expressive and creative, you have a knack for making the impossible possible.
While you are a bit offbeat, you don't scare people away with your quirks.
Your warm personality nicely counteracts and strange habits you may have.
Thursday, December 11, 2008
Hi – strange request but I could use your help for a friend. She is my best (and only) friend from high school (lori fogarty). She has a son that was born one week before Tori (yes, we were pregnant at the same time – how fun is that? – can't believe its been 8 ½ years). Any who, when Richard was born he was born with Poland 's syndrome and without one of his hands and is missing the pectoral muscle on the same side. Richard is the strongest, most amazing child and kids in his class when he was in kindergarten would tuck their arms into their sleeves with only their elbow hanging out so they could "be more like Richard" because he was "so cool".
Richard is now 8 ½ and Neiman Marcus solicited children for their ideas for the Christmas Trees in the downtown Dallas windows of Neiman's. Richards tree was chosen and he got the chance to work with the designers at Neimans to build his tree. His idea was to build a tree of all the gifts that Scottish Rite Hospital has given to children he has met over the years (wheelchairs, prosthetic limbs, crutches and the like). They were so impressed in working with him that Home and Garden Television (HGTV) recently did a story on the Neiman's trees and wanted to interview Richard for their story.
So now … Neimans chose 6 trees and they were unveiled last week in downtown Dallas . They have opened up voting to the public for our favorite tree and well … here I am shamelessly asking you to go and vote for Richard because I know how deeply winning this would be for him. He has struggled with so many things that other little boys unknowingly take for granted and I have watched he and his family struggle and grow stronger over the years. Just last month Richard was told by one of his teachers that if she were his mother she wouldn't have bought him tie shoes she would buy him Velcro shoes as she watched him struggle to tie his shoes on the playground. He came home in tears. He and Lori worked for literally years to learn to tie his shoes so he could wear tie shoes like his brothers and his friends. I can't imagine how I would have reacted … but not Lori … She just told him that "well, Richard, this is why god gave you to me – because he knew I wouldn't sell you short. You can wear tie shoes and tie them just like all the other boys – and I am raising you to be a man and a man you are already becoming."
I want him to win this one and I want his mom to have this win for him (and for her too). I want her to have the first place award so she can beat that crappy teacher up with it. I want it for Lori because of the challenges she has faced with the schools and our community. I have a hard time writing and talking about him because of how deeply I have experienced this struggle from the outside and how deeply I love my friend and cannot begin to imagine the strength she has had to muster for things I know I have unknowingly taken for granted as a mother.
Sorry for the diatribe but if you could help me by voting for Richards tree on the Neimans website (notice the prosthetic hands reaching to the sky he designed at the top ….:) … ) … I'll keep you posted on the results (please also forward the link to those who think may vote too – FYI you can vote once a day – bookmark it if you will) …
Below is a picture of his tree, of him (that lori sent me), and of the link to vote. http://www.neimanmarcus.com/store/service/poll.jhtml?pollCode=trees&icid=LocalStorePageTwo (vote the 4th tree on the page … the one that you see below) …
Saturday, November 8, 2008
When I was pregnant for the first time, we were so excited. We told everyone. When we lost the baby, miscarried, we were thankful to have lots of prayers said in our behalf because we were not alone. When we got pregnant again, we thought that we might wait to share the news. We did not wait to tell family and friends. We figured the more people that knew the more people that could be praying for us.
Our Heavenly Fathers wants us to come to Him and others in time of need. So I am coming to Him and others for help for a friend. I have a friend that is need of prayers for strength and understanding. Their beautiful son, Harrison, and family has been through so much and now might be diagnosed with a rare disorder called Wiedemann-Rautenstrauch syndrome. Please pray that they may be comforted with the path God is leading them on at this time.
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
How it hurts to know that there is such a day .
Though, I am thankful for such a day.
-What a constant roller coaster of emotions (seems to have been intensified lately with pregnancy hormones)
I think about every moment we spent with Walker (almost like a movie playing 336 hours minus a few for sleep) before returning him Home. Oh how I miss him. I would love to hold him and just look at his eyes and sweet spirit one more time. Walker, we remember and miss you today and everyday.
I had 2 miscarriages prior to Grace and never really felt like I could or should mourn. I am thankful for today to remember all the little souls that did not make it to birth and the little souls that returned Home quickly.
I am glad I have found a group of outstanding, faithful women who struggle yet turn to God for strength. Thank you all for your prayers, strength and examples.
Friday, September 12, 2008
Guess you might want to know? It is a BOY!
The children were so excited (my students were also) - I think they would have reacted the same way if it was a girl. They are just so excited and have been from the beginning.
I know that we have so much to be thankful for including the opportunity to have a sweet spirit like Walker bless our lives - even though his time on Earth was shorter than we would have planned.
I miss my son and know that I will always have a hole in my heart. I will continue to enjoy life even with the hole. I look to God to help me on this continuous journey.
Now the challenge of names - have not even looked because I was scared to become too attached even though that began at the very beginning. Our middle names are very challenging. Open for suggestions.
Sunday, August 3, 2008
We meet with the specialist and had a sequential screen done. It only tells us the risk of the baby having Down syndrome or trisomy 18. The blood work will be back on Friday. The ultrasound seemed very positive. The doctor said ultrasound measurement looked very normal. It seemed to go well. I am feeling a little less anxious- not 100%. Here are some new pics from the appt.
So we are going to a specialist on Monday. At 2pm we will meet with a genetic counselor and then at 3pm with the Dr for 1st trimester screen. I feel so anxious about going. I pray that we will be strong no matter the outcome.
I am trying to truly relay on the Lord right now as we journey again with our new baby.
Friday, July 18, 2008
We decided to celebrate Walker's birthday with releasing balloons. It was just us and the 3 kids. We had 14 baby blue balloons and a note tied to them. It was the most peaceful and surreal experience. I know that he was looking down on us and celebrating his day with us. The kids loved watching the balloons disappear into heaven (Charlie thought they would go there).
Since July 2nd to the 16th, I have replayed every day from last year in my mind. I think maybe I should have done things differently. I would have like to shown Walker off to the world. To say- hey here is a gift from God and how could you deny HIM now.
Happy birthday, my little guy in God's presence.
I, we, us miss you and are forever thankful for your footprint on our hearts.
Thursday, June 26, 2008
So July 2nd is fast approaching. I am so torn at what to do for Walker's birthday. I want to celebrate his birthday just like we celebrate the other 3 birthdays. I just want the day celebrated - Chris has much reservations about how to celebrate that day. It was a great day and I think it is important for our living children to see us celebrate all birthdays. I am not suggesting invitations, party favors, cake, etc. Maybe releasing balloons - does everyone need to be included (extended family)?
I miss him so much -
Tuesday, May 13, 2008
Finally able to figure out how to change the video file from "ifo" to "avi"(only took me on my own about 6 months) . Now I can share our precious slideshow of the birth of Walker. Doug Layton and his wife from Eyecatch through NILMDTS did a wonderful job of documenting our first hours with Walker.
Saturday, May 3, 2008
Saturday, April 26, 2008
So on telling my children about Lucy. Ava (4 1/2yrs) showed her saddness with tears and hug Brutus (our other dog). Grace (6yrs) instantly tried to change the subject and started laughing. Charlie(3 1/2 yrs) wanted to see the place where Lucy died. I worry that they are not able to deal with their feelings and worry that it will cause issues when they are older. Any suggestions? Maybe it is all okay with how they deal with death.
Now it has been a week with my children talking almost everyday about death and dying. It seems so natural for them and so uncomfortable for most of the adults. Why do I feel the need to explain things that my children say about death? It is very real for them. I am saddened that it is part of the rest of their life and how it was not part of the childhood I had planned for them. I know it is not my plan - it is Heavenly Father's plan. I know if we rely on Him we can overcome our tirals. Still, it hurts and will forever hurt.
Wednesday, April 16, 2008
In October of last year, we were surprised to be expecting again. We had just celebrated Charlie's 2nd birthday. Neither had talked about having another - the girls are 19 mos apart and Ava & Charlie are 15 mos apart. We had started getting comfortable with the 3 - eventhough 4 had always been the number discussed before Grace was born. So we were excited about the new addition. At 21 wks, it was time for the ultrasound. During the ultrasound, I could tell that there was something that was a marker or something. (Ava had soft markers for Down Syndrome - perfectly healthy. Charlie had soft markers for something else- perfectly healthy). So at first, I was not concerned. I knew that we would be sent to a specialist and I would not have an amnio (had previously 2 miscarriages )- it was not going to impact our desission about carring our baby to term. As the tech began the ultrasound at the specialist, I knew this time was different. I got pretty good at reading the ultrasounds and watching the techs from my pregnancy with Ava. The doctor came in and talked with tech for a few minutes and looked at the ultrasound. He made the comment to the tech that he thought it was T13 or T18. He then talked with me what his findings were and what options we had. At that moment, I said a silent pray to know what to do next. I decided that I would go ahead with the amnio. I felt that our family needed to know exactly what was wrong with the baby to prepare that kids. I came home and looked up T13 and T18 and was devestated eventhough the doctor did not tell me this for sure. I felt this time it was different for the others. So I had my father give me a blessing (a prayer for a certain person) I was overcome with the feeling that everything would be okay. I knew that with my Heavenly Father, my family, and my faith we would be able to overcome this trial. Maybe not easily, yet able to do it. In March, when we got the results confirming T18 (trisomy 18), Chris and I sat down decided he needed a name and to prepare the kids. We struggled with different names until we used Chris' grandfather's middle name. It seemed to make perfect sense because Charlie is the first name of Chris' grandfather. So then we set out preparing our family and making all decisions prior to make it easier (hah). It seemed like forever until June. By this time I had been praying for 2 things -not to deliver on Ava's birthday (June 30th) and to be able to take Walker home. We chose July 2nd to be induced and was discharged with Walker on the 4th of July (amazing Hospice group that worked really hard for both to go home together). We had Walker with us at home for 12 wonderful and amazing days. It is exactly 9 months since Walker ended his earthly journey and started his heavenly journey. I miss him daily and long to hold him in my arms. I just want to hold him, feed him, change his diaper, watch his siblings love him, or anything again. I can picture the pain in his face that last day and the peace when his spirit left his non-perfect body to go to heaven to gain his perfect body.
That is part of our story; the other part is continuing daily since.
(Enough rambling for one night - work is fast approaching - ugh!)
Remember the past to strengthen the future - Walker and more are waiting for us.
Wednesday, April 9, 2008
Thank goodness for oxy- clean spray. They and their clothes finally got clean. It was not the most fun I have had on a Saturday - the kids had a great time. That is the most important thing sometimes. Hopefully it won't happen again while wearing white.
Tuesday, April 8, 2008
Sunday, April 6, 2008
The rules of the meme are:
- Pick up the nearest book of 123 pages or more. No cheating!
- Find page 123.
- Read the first 5 sentences.
- Post the next 3 sentences.
- Tag 5 people.
They stand up swell when the engine's hot
and you give'er the gun for an extra knot.
She starts in a juffy, runs smooth as you please- Dr. Seuss (Essomarine advertisement 1935)
It is so cool that Seuss did so much more than just children's book. I am so easily entertained.
Now the hard part is find 5 people.
Tagged now is Kim, Sue, Shelly, Aubrey, and Kimberly!
Okay with the tagging.
Saturday, March 29, 2008
I have gotten by everyday waking up knowing that I have the responsibility to care for 3 beautiful children- I need to pray for patience and guidance. I understand God's plan and know that death is an important part of that plan. I just would like to hold my child in my arms for one more time - actually forever. It has been easy to talk to others about our special Walker; it has been easy to talk about our trials and how to overcome; so why is it getting so hard to do everyday tasks - like laundry or dishes? I would like for the trial we as a family are going through to get easier - yet as time goes on it seems to have gotten harder. Shouldn't time heal not bring more sadness? Is it sadness or just tiredness? I wish I had the answers- I guess I do within my faith of God.
Pray for faith to continue to strengthen our family.