What name?

The struggle is never ending. It seems so simple - look for names, find one you both like, and the name game is done. All of the previous times it was so simple.

Everything is different now.

It seems to be harder for me emotionally as arrival day gets closer. I know that for some it feels like healing. But for me it is an emotional roller coaster that I have never before experienced not even with Walker.

Faith is all I need again. I had it with Walker. I was at peace and had complete faith in Heavenly Father while pregnant with Walker.

I am nervous about this new little one and miss the one that is watching us from Heaven.

If we only could pick a name............

What shade of green are you?

I saw this on someone else's blog. Thought I would try it out. Very interesting results.

You Are Teal Green

You are a one of a kind, original person. There's no one even close to being like you. Expressive and creative, you have a knack for making the impossible possible. While you are a bit offbeat, you don't scare people away with your quirks. Your warm personality nicely counteracts and strange habits you may have.

What Color Green Are You?

Vote for Child's Christmas Tree

I just received this email from a friend. It really pulled at my heart and thought maybe all of you could vote. What an amazing child! Thanks for reading and voting.

From: Lisa

Hi – strange request but I could use your help for a friend. She is my best (and only) friend from high school (lori fogarty). She has a son that was born one week before Tori (yes, we were pregnant at the same time – how fun is that? – can't believe its been 8 ½ years). Any who, when Richard was born he was born with Poland 's syndrome and without one of his hands and is missing the pectoral muscle on the same side. Richard is the strongest, most amazing child and kids in his class when he was in kindergarten would tuck their arms into their sleeves with only their elbow hanging out so they could "be more like Richard" because he was "so cool".
Richard is now 8 ½ and Neiman Marcus solicited children for their ideas for the Christmas Trees in the downtown Dallas windows of Neiman's. Richards tree was chosen and he got the chance to work with the designers at Neimans to build his tree. His idea was to build a tree of all the gifts that Scottish Rite Hospital has given to children he has met over the years (wheelchairs, prosthetic limbs, crutches and the like). They were so impressed in working with him that Home and Garden Television (HGTV) recently did a story on the Neiman's trees and wanted to interview Richard for their story.
So now … Neimans chose 6 trees and they were unveiled last week in downtown Dallas . They have opened up voting to the public for our favorite tree and well … here I am shamelessly asking you to go and vote for Richard because I know how deeply winning this would be for him. He has struggled with so many things that other little boys unknowingly take for granted and I have watched he and his family struggle and grow stronger over the years. Just last month Richard was told by one of his teachers that if she were his mother she wouldn't have bought him tie shoes she would buy him Velcro shoes as she watched him struggle to tie his shoes on the playground. He came home in tears. He and Lori worked for literally years to learn to tie his shoes so he could wear tie shoes like his brothers and his friends. I can't imagine how I would have reacted … but not Lori … She just told him that "well, Richard, this is why god gave you to me – because he knew I wouldn't sell you short. You can wear tie shoes and tie them just like all the other boys – and I am raising you to be a man and a man you are already becoming."
I want him to win this one and I want his mom to have this win for him (and for her too). I want her to have the first place award so she can beat that crappy teacher up with it. I want it for Lori because of the challenges she has faced with the schools and our community. I have a hard time writing and talking about him because of how deeply I have experienced this struggle from the outside and how deeply I love my friend and cannot begin to imagine the strength she has had to muster for things I know I have unknowingly taken for granted as a mother.
Sorry for the diatribe but if you could help me by voting for Richards tree on the Neimans website (notice the prosthetic hands reaching to the sky he designed at the top ….:) … ) … I'll keep you posted on the results (please also forward the link to those who think may vote too – FYI you can vote once a day – bookmark it if you will) …
Below is a picture of his tree, of him (that lori sent me), and of the link to vote. http://www.neimanmarcus.com/store/service/poll.jhtml?pollCode=trees&icid=LocalStorePageTwo (vote the 4th tree on the page … the one that you see below) …

Prayers needed

I am not one to request much from others (a weakness and striving to overcome). I know that the Lord asks us to be humble. For me, that means we lean on each other for strength and help when times are rough (a struggle at times).

When I was pregnant for the first time, we were so excited. We told everyone. When we lost the baby, miscarried, we were thankful to have lots of prayers said in our behalf because we were not alone. When we got pregnant again, we thought that we might wait to share the news. We did not wait to tell family and friends. We figured the more people that knew the more people that could be praying for us.

Our Heavenly Fathers wants us to come to Him and others in time of need. So I am coming to Him and others for help for a friend. I have a friend that is need of prayers for strength and understanding. Their beautiful son, Harrison, and family has been through so much and now might be diagnosed with a rare disorder called Wiedemann-Rautenstrauch syndrome. Please pray that they may be comforted with the path God is leading them on at this time.

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day

October 15th
How it hurts to know that there is such a day .
Though, I am thankful for such a day.
-What a constant roller coaster of emotions (seems to have been intensified lately with pregnancy hormones)

I think about every moment we spent with Walker (almost like a movie playing 336 hours minus a few for sleep) before returning him Home. Oh how I miss him. I would love to hold him and just look at his eyes and sweet spirit one more time. Walker, we remember and miss you today and everyday.

I had 2 miscarriages prior to Grace and never really felt like I could or should mourn. I am thankful for today to remember all the little souls that did not make it to birth and the little souls that returned Home quickly.

I am glad I have found a group of outstanding, faithful women who struggle yet turn to God for strength. Thank you all for your prayers, strength and examples.

No more Specialists - NO MARKERS

Yesterday, we went to the specialist for part 2 of screening - an ultrasound and blood work. So the blood work will come later. The ultrasound had me feeling great about this baby. I have not really felt excited until yesterday. It went great!!!! No markers seen at all. Ever since I was pregnant with Ava, I have been familiar with soft markers to major markers terminology. So when we were looking at the ultrasound, I was very attentive to looking for markers. I felt an amazing amount of stress become lifted off of me. The doctor asked if we wanted to know the sex which of course we did. He asked what are we hoping for and honestly we said healthy. For the first time it was true - the sex did not matter.


Guess you might want to know? It is a BOY!

The children were so excited (my students were also) - I think they would have reacted the same way if it was a girl. They are just so excited and have been from the beginning.

I know that we have so much to be thankful for including the opportunity to have a sweet spirit like Walker bless our lives - even though his time on Earth was shorter than we would have planned.

I miss my son and know that I will always have a hole in my heart. I will continue to enjoy life even with the hole. I look to God to help me on this continuous journey.

Now the challenge of names - have not even looked because I was scared to become too attached even though that began at the very beginning. Our middle names are very challenging. Open for suggestions.

My overwhelming emotions

------------------------------Update----------------------------
We meet with the specialist and had a sequential screen done. It only tells us the risk of the baby having Down syndrome or trisomy 18. The blood work will be back on Friday. The ultrasound seemed very positive. The doctor said ultrasound measurement looked very normal. It seemed to go well. I am feeling a little less anxious- not 100%. Here are some new pics from the appt.

Hands

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I have so many times sat down to blog and then just became overwhelmed. Here is what is troubling me so much. I am torn with various emotions - but some are stronger than others - guilty and scared.I feel guilty because I was so excited when we found out about all of the other pregnancies; I am not yet excited. I am just scared and worried. If I could be guaranteed that baby would be 100% healthy, I would be excited to bring another life into the world. I know that I cannot be guaranteed anything in life and it is God's plan not mine. Yet I am still struggling with my emotions even after many prayers.

So we are going to a specialist on Monday. At 2pm we will meet with a genetic counselor and then at 3pm with the Dr for 1st trimester screen. I feel so anxious about going. I pray that we will be strong no matter the outcome.

I am trying to truly relay on the Lord right now as we journey again with our new baby.

Celebrated 1 long year

I finally decided to get up before the kids. Usually I wait until they wake up and come wake me up which is in 15 minutes. I wanted to blog in a quiet house so I better quit rambling.

We decided to celebrate Walker's birthday with releasing balloons. It was just us and the 3 kids. We had 14 baby blue balloons and a note tied to them. It was the most peaceful and surreal experience. I know that he was looking down on us and celebrating his day with us. The kids loved watching the balloons disappear into heaven (Charlie thought they would go there).

Since July 2nd to the 16th, I have replayed every day from last year in my mind. I think maybe I should have done things differently. I would have like to shown Walker off to the world. To say- hey here is a gift from God and how could you deny HIM now.

Happy birthday, my little guy in God's presence.

I, we, us miss you and are forever thankful for your footprint on our hearts.

Nearing 1 Year

I have often wanted to come and sit here and pen my thoughts and feelings. It is a definte escape when life gets hectic. I would escape to read other's thoughts, feelings, and life events. Sometimes I think my family suffered when I would constantly escape into blog world. I try not to frequent blogs as often yet when I do I try to read all that I have missed. Need to find a happy medium.

So July 2nd is fast approaching. I am so torn at what to do for Walker's birthday. I want to celebrate his birthday just like we celebrate the other 3 birthdays. I just want the day celebrated - Chris has much reservations about how to celebrate that day. It was a great day and I think it is important for our living children to see us celebrate all birthdays. I am not suggesting invitations, party favors, cake, etc. Maybe releasing balloons - does everyone need to be included (extended family)?

I miss him so much -

Finally - Video!

Finally able to figure out how to change the video file from "ifo" to "avi"(only took me on my own about 6 months) . Now I can share our precious slideshow of the birth of Walker. Doug Layton and his wife from Eyecatch through NILMDTS did a wonderful job of documenting our first hours with Walker.

A Day at the Zoo

What a day. It started out so average. Then it turned out to be an amazing day with my children. I needed to get out and enjoy the day. It is so easy for me to be angry and stressed out. I need to savour those moments before they cannot occur again. It was so refreshing. We went to the zoo and did not try to even see half of it. That makes it more enjoyable (definetly stressful to try to see all the animals with 1 stroller and 3 tired children under the age of 6 and Texas heat). We saw a few animals and then went to the Children's Zoo to just play in the water. A relaxing day for all. (The only picture on my phone- did not think to bring the camera) Thanks for the beauty of the earth.

Another thought I wanted to share was something I hear on Thursday, May 1st. I guess May 1st has been designated to be "The Day of Prayer". I was saddened to think that we need a day to do what is expectied of us to do daily. Do we really need a day set aside for this? Do we need a daily reminder? Try a rock on the floor.

Just me opinion. Just need to express thoughts sometimes.

Thanks

Again, I had to tell my children about death of a loved one. Last Friday, our beloved Lucy passed away. Lucy was a beautiful companion to me and then to my family. Yes, I am talking about my dog that has been with me for the last 14 years. I knew that day would come and thought it would be soon. Just did not really think it was going to be that day or any day. Another example of: we do not know when our lifetime is over on Earth - only God has the future plans.

So on telling my children about Lucy. Ava (4 1/2yrs) showed her saddness with tears and hug Brutus (our other dog). Grace (6yrs) instantly tried to change the subject and started laughing. Charlie(3 1/2 yrs) wanted to see the place where Lucy died. I worry that they are not able to deal with their feelings and worry that it will cause issues when they are older. Any suggestions? Maybe it is all okay with how they deal with death.

Now it has been a week with my children talking almost everyday about death and dying. It seems so natural for them and so uncomfortable for most of the adults. Why do I feel the need to explain things that my children say about death? It is very real for them. I am saddened that it is part of the rest of their life and how it was not part of the childhood I had planned for them. I know it is not my plan - it is Heavenly Father's plan. I know if we rely on Him we can overcome our tirals. Still, it hurts and will forever hurt.

Our Story

I realized that writing down our story will make it a reality. Yes, I have pictures of Walker; yes, I have verbally shared Walker's life (our story); yes, I have thought about Walker. Yet, sometimes it feels like an unhappy dream. So here is our story:
In October of last year, we were surprised to be expecting again. We had just celebrated Charlie's 2nd birthday. Neither had talked about having another - the girls are 19 mos apart and Ava & Charlie are 15 mos apart. We had started getting comfortable with the 3 - eventhough 4 had always been the number discussed before Grace was born. So we were excited about the new addition. At 21 wks, it was time for the ultrasound. During the ultrasound, I could tell that there was something that was a marker or something. (Ava had soft markers for Down Syndrome - perfectly healthy. Charlie had soft markers for something else- perfectly healthy). So at first, I was not concerned. I knew that we would be sent to a specialist and I would not have an amnio (had previously 2 miscarriages )- it was not going to impact our desission about carring our baby to term. As the tech began the ultrasound at the specialist, I knew this time was different. I got pretty good at reading the ultrasounds and watching the techs from my pregnancy with Ava. The doctor came in and talked with tech for a few minutes and looked at the ultrasound. He made the comment to the tech that he thought it was T13 or T18. He then talked with me what his findings were and what options we had. At that moment, I said a silent pray to know what to do next. I decided that I would go ahead with the amnio. I felt that our family needed to know exactly what was wrong with the baby to prepare that kids. I came home and looked up T13 and T18 and was devestated eventhough the doctor did not tell me this for sure. I felt this time it was different for the others. So I had my father give me a blessing (a prayer for a certain person) I was overcome with the feeling that everything would be okay. I knew that with my Heavenly Father, my family, and my faith we would be able to overcome this trial. Maybe not easily, yet able to do it. In March, when we got the results confirming T18 (trisomy 18), Chris and I sat down decided he needed a name and to prepare the kids. We struggled with different names until we used Chris' grandfather's middle name. It seemed to make perfect sense because Charlie is the first name of Chris' grandfather. So then we set out preparing our family and making all decisions prior to make it easier (hah). It seemed like forever until June. By this time I had been praying for 2 things -not to deliver on Ava's birthday (June 30th) and to be able to take Walker home. We chose July 2nd to be induced and was discharged with Walker on the 4th of July (amazing Hospice group that worked really hard for both to go home together). We had Walker with us at home for 12 wonderful and amazing days. It is exactly 9 months since Walker ended his earthly journey and started his heavenly journey. I miss him daily and long to hold him in my arms. I just want to hold him, feed him, change his diaper, watch his siblings love him, or anything again. I can picture the pain in his face that last day and the peace when his spirit left his non-perfect body to go to heaven to gain his perfect body.

That is part of our story; the other part is continuing daily since.
(Enough rambling for one night - work is fast approaching - ugh!)

Remember the past to strengthen the future - Walker and more are waiting for us.

Busy Parents

This Saturday I was trying to help Chris do some renovations on the deck and get ready to scrapbook(which I try to do every Saturday afternoon or evening). Aubrey, Avery, Jay, and Sue were over. Anyways, the children were enjoying the outside sun with the door opened(they sounded like they were having a great time - which they were). We were sitting inside getting ready to scrapbook and looked out to this:













Thank goodness for oxy- clean spray. They and their clothes finally got clean. It was not the most fun I have had on a Saturday - the kids had a great time. That is the most important thing sometimes. Hopefully it won't happen again while wearing white.

A Realization Moment

I finally realized why I have a fascination with reading blogs about families that have lost a child. It is easier to feel pain for others' loss than feel my own loss. I am very much afraid of feeling to much of my own pain. Maybe it is part of the grieving process; maybe it is that mothering instinct; maybe I am just weird. I do know I was going to continue writing, yet a Texas storm has decided to start. It is hailing and making me anxious. So I think I will tackle my feelings later and go watch the news to watch out for tornadoes. Oh, spring time in Texas is upon us.

I've been tagged?

I have been tagged (or memed?). It is interesting how I am doing something I never do when my sweet nieces send me forward to do this. So here I am doing it on my blog page - okay I might do it once for my nieces as I don't want to be a hypocrite. Anyways enough trying to postone doing it.

The rules of the meme are:

• Pick up the nearest book of 123 pages or more. No cheating!
• Find page 123.
• Read the first 5 sentences.
• Post the next 3 sentences.
• Tag 5 people.

I happened to collect Dr. Seuss and I received 2 books at Christmas. Of course with my schedule, I don't leave alot of time for reading entertainment books. So the only one that had more than 123 pages that I have been attempting to read is The Seuss, The Whole Seuss, and Nothing But The Seuss by Charles D. Cohen. So here it is:

They stand up swell when the engine's hot
and you give'er the gun for an extra knot.
She starts in a juffy, runs smooth as you please- Dr. Seuss (Essomarine advertisement 1935)

It is so cool that Seuss did so much more than just children's book. I am so easily entertained.

Now the hard part is find 5 people.

Tagged now is Kim, Sue, Shelly, Aubrey, and Kimberly!

Okay with the tagging.

Trying to stay afloat

It has become overwhelming; just the everyday tasks. Some think it was just a matter of time before I would loose it and become depressed. For many months, weeks, days, I seemed to busy myself with anything just to be busy -to fill the void. I am at a point where I cannot fill that void by busying myself.

I have gotten by everyday waking up knowing that I have the responsibility to care for 3 beautiful children- I need to pray for patience and guidance. I understand God's plan and know that death is an important part of that plan. I just would like to hold my child in my arms for one more time - actually forever. It has been easy to talk to others about our special Walker; it has been easy to talk about our trials and how to overcome; so why is it getting so hard to do everyday tasks - like laundry or dishes? I would like for the trial we as a family are going through to get easier - yet as time goes on it seems to have gotten harder. Shouldn't time heal not bring more sadness? Is it sadness or just tiredness? I wish I had the answers- I guess I do within my faith of God.

Pray for faith to continue to strengthen our family.

Just Beginning

I have reservations about blogging. I have friends that love it. I love reading what they are blogging. I would love to just be able to sit down and write my thoughts. They make it seems so easy. This is more like a public journal and that seems a little weird. Two of the blogs that I have read are very different. One of the blog is about her feelings before her child was born and after her baby went back to heaven - an experience that touched our own family. The other is about experiences and feelings of a growing family. It seems this might be a great way to release all my emotions from raising a family that has experienced a loss of part of it. I know it will be good to look back and to look forward. Hope I can continue to blog and benefit from it. Thanks for listening.

"Blogging"

I am not sure how to do this "blogging thing".